Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Kids are Alright




Moms, please listen to this song.


Now, listen to it AGAIN. This time, understand something simple.

We screw up. We blow it with our kids on a daily (in my case, hourly) basis.

But He overcomes our mess. Especially with our kids.

Moms come in different packages; some of us have some incredible baggage. Some of us were raised by single parents: some of us ARE single parents. Some of us had amazing childhoods; some of us were abused and mistreated, in a million different ways.

As little girls, we are searching. Searching for someone who will fight for us and make us their queen. Sounds almost facile, such a generalization. We long to also fulfill our own adventures, and to have someone that sees us. They see us and find beauty. Not perfect hair, nice physique, and expensive wardrobe: Beauty.

But inevitably, that falls flat. Our parents are strict, or abusive, or distracted, or distant. Perhaps they abandon us; emotionally and/or physically. We are left to answer those questions on our own. So much baggage can leave us ashamed, desperate, and afraid. We've answered our own questions, and our answers scare the hell out of us.

Now, we are given this incredible gift of motherhood. This little life: a spirit, soul, and body that looks to us. They are asking the same questions we once asked. Yet, the answers that can spill forth are suddenly met with something that we've never allowed ourselves to truly receive. Grace. We can answer our daughters with how much beauty they carry inside them - even when we ourselves are learning the same lessons. We can teach our sons that courage is wonderful - but it's also ok to feel sad, lonely, or frightened. We can show our children the unconditional love that we've never allowed ourselves to experience.

It was a long night last night; poor Jminator had a bad dream, and really just needed Momma. I was happy to oblige him, and we rocked and prayed. Eventually, he dropped off to sleep. And it hit me: I never remember someone doing that for me. If I woke up, I was alone. How did I know that this is what J needed? How was I ever going to know what to do next?

I am a broken, sinful, selfish person. I've so many issues stemming from my past that it's disgusting. How in the hell am I supposed to work with that?
And, yet, my son doesn't know any of this. To him, my word, my actions are literally the only thing that exists.

Grace.

The Grace to understand that God will smooth over what I screw up and make it into something beautiful. The Grace to understand that children are amazingly resilient creatures. As broken as some of our pasts can be; we don't have to allow the memories to overshadow our future. But sometimes, in my own fear, pride, and doubt, I double over. I cave to my own brokenness, and it tears me apart. This isn't who I want to be; not for my family, my children, my friends. Again, I am brought to my knees realizing that His Grace really is sufficient. His Grace really is ready to overcome and to cleanse.

Mommas, please cut yourself some slack. Know that He is the Great Father who comes to us - not demanding that we go to Him. He will meet us and our children exactly where they are - even when we blow it in some new and terrible way. The kids will be alright.

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