Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Change of Plans

Proverbs 16:2
All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight,
But the Lord weighs the motives.
Proverbs 16:9
The mind of man plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.

Some days just don't turn out how I've planned them.

Some days include impromptu picnics in the park: others include Hubster having to work, then not work, then yes work, but then it gets cancelled, but all your plans are in a wad anyway.

Some days include rainy puddles instead of quiet naptimes. Some days are perfect for a movie and snuggles instead of going on an outing or grocery shopping. Even when especially when we I plan things out to the last detail, Life happens.

Sometimes it feels like I'm being punished for something; if things don't go the way I have them planned, I feel like a victim.

Truth is, I am a victim; of my own control issues, of insisting that MY plans and the way I want to do things are really the only way that will work. Of assuming that if someone wants to do something differently that they're selfish for not thinking of me or asking me. (I'm just going to let that sink in. Sometimes my own level of stupidity surprises even me.)

But then, I think we all have issues with control. Is the washer getting fixed? Yes. Is there anything I can do about it in the meantime? Yes. But it wasn't how I had everything laid out. And that's the kicker right there. There's a solution; but it wasn't MY solution.

If it's within my control, if I have the final say, if it was all up to me, then when things go really, really well, I feel like I've done a good job. I don't feel like I'm failing at life. Now, if things go wrong that are beyond my control, what do I say then? Do I blame someone else? Do I get angry for no reason? Do I react with acceptance or do I fight it every step?

And, what's crazy(er) is that big things don't do this to me. With Hubs' current occupation, moving is going to be our lifestyle for a while. Now, with the kids being little (read: not uprooting them from a school or their own friends) for some reason, nothing scares me. Move across the nation? Sure!! Move across an ocean? Let's go!!

What do you mean we have no peanut butter?!! THIS SITUATION IS UNACCEPTABLE.

The total irony in this post is that it's taken me 3 days to write it!. I've sat down no fewer than 9 10 12 times to wax poetic on all things motherhood, but it just hasn't worked out. Our plans have changed for the weekend around 5 times. Our washer is still broken, and J has decided to poop through his clothes twice today. That hasn't bothered me in the least: I'm sitting here, with poop and peanut butter on my shirt and totally unphased. But when I realized I forgot to put the leftover zucchini up last night, for some reason that was super annoying. Dude, I got nothin'...

My challenge from me is not viewing life changing or something happening as a personal attack. Does Satan attack us and bring terrible things into our lives? Absolutely. The Bible talks about that he wanders like a roaring lion, looking for victims. I'm just simply refusing to be a victim. Hubs and I can plan (and we do) how we envision and what our family goals are. We plan what would be best for our family and how we want to get there. As we have progressed in that, I know we've come under attack; it's been obvious. But some stuff just happens! We live in a fallen, desperate world.

It's far more amazing to me that good things happen at all.

But honestly... Day to Day... Satan doesn't have to attack us with circumstances. All he has to do is wait for something to happen, and feed us a line of crap that we'll believe hook, line, and sinker. Satan is as lazy as the rest of us; why go to all the trouble to bring all of these choreographed events together, when he can just feed us a few lies and watch us destroy ourselves?

He did that on purpose.
You know he's never going to change.
Everyone is going to disappoint you; you might as well just do it on your own.
You're always doing things on your own, anyway.
No one really helps or even notices.
A better mom would have reacted better.
A better mom would have done more.
It's not going to change; just get used to it.
Something bad always happens to you.
It wouldn't be as bad if you had more money.
If you were thin like her, people would like you more.
You deserve to think about yourself right now; after all: no one else will.

I'm sure I could think of more if I tried. But the end result is the same. We set ourselves up to fail by our own self talk. We've now created a conflict (that wasn't there before) with arguments (on both sides) made an assumption (about someone else who isn't even there at the time) and come to a conclusion: without another living soul ever entering the picture.

And we wonder why we're so tired all the time.

Sometimes Plans change. Sometimes Things happen. When we realize that, ultimately, our Father has our absolute best - I mean, BEST - interest at heart, and that all things work together for our ultimate good, then maybe we don't have a conniption when we run out of peanut butter. Maybe the laundry isn't the end of the world.

Now, being out of coffee... that's a whole different story.

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