Friday, April 29, 2016

How was your day?

When you're a mom...

You'll get up when you don't feel like it, and make coffee. 
While you're making coffee you'll realize you need to throw away all of the used Keurig cups. While you're throwing away the cups, you'll realize that you need to take out the trash because it's trash day. So you'll gather all of the trash and clean out all of the leftover food, and the bag will tip over while you're cleaning out the rice bowl, so you'll grab paper towels to clean up your spill, stuffing the slime into the trash bags that breaks while you're dumping out 2mo old chili and it will dump out all over your slippers. While you're standing in mold-covered chili, you'll figure out a way to clean everything up, and put your disgusting shoes in the garage, and with the washer. When you go back in the house, the baby will wake up screaming like he's been left for dead, and you'll run in there, forgetting that your toddler is still waiting on you to get him some apple juice, so he follows you in there, peanut butter toast in hand, telling you about something and gesturing with the stickiest hands you've ever seen. While you're trying to feed a hungry baby, the Sticky One runs up and down the hallway asking for "pay doe" (play dough) You feed both of them, let the dog out, and as you're cleaning up a sticky hallway, gate, and sofa, you remember that you still haven't taken out the trash. You put both kids in the playroom, bag up the rest of the trash, and take it to the trashcan outside. When you come back inside, you'll realize that there is a ton of grass all over the floor that your crawling baby is trying to shove into his mouth. You'll go quickly to sweep up all the grass and then you realize that you're son has lost some of the play dough, and you can't find it. Anywhere. So you tear the playroom apart looking for what is certain death to the baby, and you can't find it, but you do find two dirty diapers, and a dirty cloth diaper that needs to be washed badly. You'll put it with the other diapers and realize that you can put your nasty shoes with the diaper laundry and no one would notice. You'll go to wash them, and realize that you accidentally left a load in the washer from the other day, so you re-wash that load just to be safe, and turn the dryer back on to fluff up the load that's in there. You'll come back in, play with the kiddos, and remember that you were going to make coffee. You'll go to heat some almond milk in your mug and remember that Toddler still needs juice. You get him juice, and he wants to color while the baby plays with blocks. You make cards and trace small hands and realize that you left your coffee in the microwave. You make coffee, add honey, and hear an ear piercing scream of total heartbreak. That's when you realize that it's almost 10am and the baby needs a nap. You'll sneak the baby back into his quiet room to nurse him into sweet oblivion, and then you'll remember that you left the gate open and your toddler has free reign of the house, and no idea where you are. You hear the sounds of things that sound like furniture being rearranged while you desperately plea for your baby to eat quickly and fall asleep quickly. He will not. He will bite you and laugh at your pain. In frustration, you'll put him on his back to put himself to sleep. When you emerge, your toddler has moved 7,357 books into his room from the playroom, and wants you to read all of them. You comply. You like reading. Even more, you like sitting down. Even more you like sitting down and drinking.... coffee. You go quickly to reheat your coffee, and pray that you can spend some time with your toddler so he's not a screaming, jealous mess all day. You sit and read and sit and read and take all of the books back into the playroom where you realize that the washer stopped, and you need to switch loads. You pull out the clean laundry, switch loads, and start the diapers with your disgusting shoes. When you come back into the house, you realize that it's just about lunch time from your toddler yelling out, "ungry!! ungry!! nacks!! nacks!!" So you get him some crackers, a sandwich and as you're going to heat up your lunch, you smell something terrifying: you check his pull-up. You take him as swiftly as possible to the potty, and realize that he is covered in poop. You clean him up, but he screams bloody murder as you remove the feces from his sticky body. This wakes up the baby. You get toddler settled, go back in to baby's room to calm, soothe and stick a boob in his mouth to shut him up ease his alarm, and he complies. And nurses again for 45 minutes while you again hear noises of mass destruction coming from the play room. You will again beg your baby to eat quickly and go back to sleep. He will not. He will bite you and laugh at your pain. You put him back down, you find your mostly warm but hardened rice and chicken. You will eat it quickly, and then you remember that you were going to fold all of the laundry while the kids were asleep. As the toddler rubs his eyes and throws things and swears he isn't tired, you sweetly and quietly threaten the toddler with his life if he screams in the hallway. You plop His Highness onto his bed, sing some songs, and shut the door. You then walk down the hallway and breathe in the silence. You will sit down with a cup of thrice-heated coffee and enjoy the silence and plot a 20 minute nap. You realize you have to pee, and will go into the bathroom and realize that you forgot to clean up the potty seat on the toilet, and there's now dried poop all over the bathroom. You'll clean it up, pick up all the sposies, put the dirty laundry in the hamper, and realize that you didn't throw out the diaper trash into the dumpster. You'll get another bag, empty the foulest smelling trashcan on planet Earth, and run the trash out to the trashcan. While you're running, you'll remember that you hadn't peed yet, and run to the bathroom. When you emerge, you'll realize that you now have 4 loads of laundry waiting to be folded, and the diapers are done with their first cycle. After you start folding the laundry you'll think that you really should re-fluff the load of jeans so they're fully dry and de-wrinkled. You'll switch loads, and as you go back into the living room, you'll hear a panicked, whining bark from the back door: you forgot to let the dog back in, and it's getting ready to storm. Dog goes in; phone rings and you learn that a really, really big storm is headed your way. Toddler isn't sleeping despite constant reassuring and begging, so you get him up, and cuddle while you watch the storm come in, then get bigger, then hail, and then soak you both. You'll go in, clean up, and watch TV. You'll remind Toddler that "after this show, it's nap time." Yet, when the moment arrive, it's as if he's never heard your voice before. You'll put him back down, sweetly sing to him a song that he loves the tune of but you're secretly threatening his very life if he doesn't go to sleep this very instant. As you back away, the baby wakes up screaming from his orphanage crib again. You go back in to negotiate a treatise stick a boob in his mouth, and quietly beg him to eat quickly and go back to sleep. He does not. He bites you and laughs at your pain. You remove yourself from his room, and gently close the door. You sit on the sofa realizing that you haven't done a lick of dishes and haven't even a thought for what's for dinner. You go to thaw out some hamburger meat and find your forlorn coffee mug, still mostly full. You dump it and make another, sit on the sofa, and your husband comes in and asks,

"How was your day?"

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